Scale and Number Withdrawls

I woke up at 1am with a raging headache. Before I came up with a game plan to address said headache, I found my first waking thoughts to be that I should weigh myself. I did not weigh myself. Instead I took some ibuprofen and heated up a lavender rice sock to put over my head. I was back asleep by 1:30am.

This morning I also thought that I should weigh myself. I did not.

I think I still managed to eat too much yesterday. I found myself counting various aspects of nutritional information and that automated mental counting that I have done for years in my head only made me feel bad. More evidence of insanity by numbers. My clothes feel too tight. As much as I want a number to validate this, I know it'll only make me feel worse. If I feel worse about my state of being then I may binge even more. I know I am likely up a few pounds - what is seeing the number going to do for me? If by some chance the number actually were to look okay or even lower than what I think then I would also be likely to binge as some form of reward for being "low". Either way I look at it - seeing a number that I deem too high or too low could both all too easily take me down the binge path.

I need to find serenity with food without numbers to validate my progress. Even as I type that I wonder, "but how will I be able to state how awesome I am doing?". Well I guess I can state now that I don't feel like I am doing well and so having a number to declare "see, its too high!" doesn't really matter as I just know its not good. And even if the number is okay, I don't feel serene and I feel guilt around my eating. When I do feel serene and confident about my relationship with food, then I trust my body shape will follow suit.

For today I am focusing on not weighing myself. I feel overall shame about myself and I am trying to just let that be, allow myself to feel it and not morph into a binge. I know it can pass and it will pass after I ride a more serene wagon of food recovery. I will take a yoga class at 11am coming up here, I am looking forward to having an hour in which I can feel at peace with my body and its current state.